31 January 2010

I know what I want, and I want it NOW.

So I'm enjoying my brief one-day repreive from the madness of peak tax season....

Enjoying my weekend coffee (it's only strong tea during the week, for me) and reading the latest issue, and my first issue of Where Women Create.  Trying not to notice how none of these women ever mentioned anything about overcoming financial issues...they all must have been born with with a never-ending supply of money in their pockets to sustain them while they pursued the life of their dreams.  But that's not how I want to do it anymore.  Those thoughts keep me down and I know it.  And how silly to read such an inspiring magazine only to be discouraged by money.  Maybe there needs to be an inspiring magazine that features ordinary people that went from being trapped in unsatisfying jobs out of financial necessity to living the life of their dreams.  ???  Anyone want to tackle that one?

So the other day, the Universe and I sat down to afternoon tea and had a heart to heart.  I reminded the Universe that in the past, struggle was my teacher...that old bastard always had me coming out of adversity better than I imagined, usually newly free of some pesky baggage I didn't need anymore, but not before he literally beat the living snot out of me and had me groveling and wanting to die because I couldn't stand being so unhappy and powerless anymore.  And so the pattern went, all my life, all the live-long day.  So I said...very clearly...very explicitly..."I'm done with that pattern.  That is not how I will learn anymore.  I'm running out of time and it's no longer uselful to me.  That way takes too long and leaves too many scars.  We're going to do this a different way now.  And here's my predicament that you're going to help me with...

This is what I desire in life, more than anything in the whole long stretch of eternal existence:  2 Things...For the rest of my life to be filled with as much free time as I need.  Free time means time not taken up with working to make money so I can pay bills and eat and get by.  Free time means time to raise a family, at home...not as a working mom, not as a distracted parent.  I will devote myself to that with all my heart and my soul and I just can't do it any other way.  It is the most important thing I will EVER DO.  Free time means time to create a more self-reliant and self-sufficient lifestyle.  Many people see that as a harder life...more work.  But let me remind you universe...that's not how I see it at all.  That is my passion!  To spend hours outdoors with my hands in the dirt, surrounded by beautiful jewel-like flowers and vegetables fills me with contentment and joy.  To forage for those elusive morels in the spring...gather pears and make pies in the fall.  To experiment and make my own cheeses, my own yogurt, my own beer, my own bread, my own jams...this is what I want my life to be about.  These things make me positively glow from the inside.  Free time is time to make soap, to sew, to try different medias and learn painting and photography.  And ultimately to share all of these things with others...these homespun creations, the know-how knowledge, and the forgotten truth that being rich in free-time, family, and connection with the natural cycles is real abundance.  Being part of a like-minded, healthy community and helping to enrich impoverished lives...that would be the icing on the cake.

But my second request universe, is the means.  Without the means, there is no way.  And here is the sad travesty of how the modern world works...to acquire the means, we must work.  To work, we must sacrifice the time to live the life I've outlined above.  I can do none of that if I must work to get the means.  So how's that for sad irony?  What is the solution to this?  I ask earnestly and sincerely.  In fact, I'm demanding an answer.  Resignation or waiting are not options at this point.  I'm 30 years old.  I don't have the time to wait anymore.  It has to be now and I'm not taking no for an answer.  I've had it with that old drag-me-through-the-dirt-then-teach-me-a-lesson pattern, like I said.  From what I understand, the world has changed.  The rules of engagement have changed.  Our ability to create from our thoughts has been amplified and that is why I'm also changing the rules.  No more tragedies, no more hard lessons, no more loss, no more fear, no more anxiety.  I want what I've said I want and I know it so much more certainly than I've ever known anything before.  Given the way the world works, it seems impossible.  But I have faith in your infinitely wise orchestrating power.  So please, bring me the solution to this dilemma.  Drop it in my lap please, and make it easy. 

It's finally time.  I can feel it in my bones.  The wind blew all day long yesterday...whipping snow into my face, touching each hair on my head with tiny little bolts of annoying electricity...and I wondered "If what I see in the natural environment is the manifested thoughts of God, then what does this wind mean?"  And you answered me Universe.  You told me it was telling me what was coming.  And that's how I know it's time. 

p.s. - Please be gentle.

4 comments:

Char said...

i admire you for putting it out there. and the shots of electricity to me are an affirmation.

Annie said...

This post made me cry. Talk about running out of time, I am 53 and still struggling with this very thing. Like you, I AM DONE!!!
Minus the having a child part, I could have written this post.
My wish is that both you and I and all the other create souls who have to work make our way out of this box and find freedom.
Love. xoxo

corabela said...

My heart just reached out to you Annie. : ) Thank you. Thank you so much. I share your wish. And when I win the lottery, I'm going to want to share with everyone I know who's similarly trapped! Wouldn't it be wonderful to start a non-profit or something to help people such as ourselves? How would that work? I'd really rather just be a rich benefactor that helped people anonymously. Less headaches probably.

And Char...honestly...never thought of it that way. It gives static hair new meaning. : )

Annie said...

♥ Yes, let's just be rich and share the spoils. xoxo