20 February 2010

Anniversary Confessions and Gratitudes

February 17th marked one whole year since I was fired from my job as a bank teller.  That was an exceptional experience in my life...heart-wrenching, difficult, embarrassing, absurd, treacherous, panic-inducing, financially disastrous, and yet more importantly, relieving.  In the immediate aftermath, I so wanted to be relieved but all the other shameful feelings just eclipsed anything that felt remotely good about the situation.  But time lent me a little more relief.  Of course I still felt guilty but then angry that I even felt guilty.  I insulted the big I.T. man publicly on my blog (although not by name) and he got creative with the cut and paste, convinced my employers I was un-American (yes...that is really what happened), and took advantage of the fact that hearing officers in court know absolutely nothing about the way a blog works, let along technology, period.  He twisted facts and and misrepresented the truth because of a bruised ego.  He was out for my blood and he got it.  It was a power trip.  And that's why I was so crushed. 

I passive aggressively hated that job more than anything.  It was too easy, too boring, and I was surrounded by people hell-bent on being miserable about anything they could find to be miserable about.  It made me miserable.  And the life bled out of me.  So why was I so crushed to be set free?  Because my survival in this modern world depended solely on the whims of this bald little man with a phallic sounding last name.  My ability to feed myself was in the hands of a company run by rich men that like to feel in charge.  In fact, they were so full of themselves, they actually staffed their entire management team with more people just like them.  There were exceptions, but for the most part, every person in a position of power seemed to really enjoy putting people down, picking out the negative aspects of any given situation, and relishing being right over making things right.  We all know that type.  Imagine working for a whole mini-gestapo of those.  Imagine having your ability to pay your bills, put food on your table, and just eke by be in the hands of those douchebags.

So when they decided it would be joyful for them to destroy me and commenced to do just that, I knew I was powerless.  And yes, understandably that was crushing.  And I felt like a very small ant being burned under the magnifying glass by that sick bully who gets off on doing such things.  What can you do to protect yourself when you're that small?  When you don't have an army of lawyers and vaults of never-ending cash?  Not a damn thing. 

I've been reluctant to record any of this in a public forum because that company is exactly the sort to sue for public disparagement or some other such thing.  And that bald little man has exactly the sort of personality that one year later, he's still trying to catch me using their name publicly in a derogatory way.  But I won't do it.  No one would have even heard of the company anyway.  The point in airing all this out is because anniversaries are exactly for this sort of thing.

For a while, I didn't think I would ever be sane again.  I didn't think anything would ever go my way again and I was deeply, deeply confused.  See, I've always been lucky.  I mean really lucky and that most certainly didn't seem lucky to me at all.  My world no longer made sense to me.  It was like everything I thought I was, I suddenly was not.  That firing rocked me to the core.  Just the word "firing" evokes visions of being burned at the stake like a damn witch.  So every time something started to go right after that, I was afraid.  I thought subconsciously, "I'm not lucky any more.  Everything will appear to go right but then collapse at the last second just to pour salt in my wounds."

It's taken a very long time to recover from all that nonsense.  Hell, a year has gone by.  In that year, I've managed to get myself the most perfect job I ever could have asked for.  It's temporary, for one, only until April 15th.  It pays well.  I make my own schedule.  I'm forced to push out of my comfort zones.  I've been spared boring routine...I do so many different things in so many different places.  But the most important...my boss is NOT a micro-manager.  In fact, my position was created this year.  There was nothing in place to tell me what I needed to do and I was just tossed in there and told "go get 'em."  Me being the independent person I am, jumped in, didn't ask for help unless I was really clueless, and made up my own rules as I went.  And everyone I work with has supported me in this.  Everyone has been uplifting, positive, supportive, and to top it off, interesting.  I never thought I would say this about a job but, I really like my job.  Sure it sucks that I have to go to work in a few hours and work until 10pm tonight but I'll do it without complaining too much because I feel free.  If I'm sick, I can not show up and I'm not expected to offer any explanation.  I am trusted.  If I make a mistake, I will not be burned at the stake for it.  I am compensated fairly and my coworkers are so busy with working, they don't have time to be negative.  My confidence has been restored.

If you are a former co-worker of mine and you're reading this, feeling insulted, I'm sorry.  Please realize, I'm not talking about you.  I'm talking about the general culture of the office...you have to admit...it's not a happy place.  At least not when I was there.

My "new" job will be ending soon and I'll be in domestic bliss once again.  : )  I have many projects in mind...farmers markets and more etsy shoppe-ing and writing books and gardening.  I want to start organizing some events this year...seed swaps, clothes swaps, tea parties.  We're coming up with a chicken-proposal for our neighbors and landlord for next year.  I wanted to move out of town to have chickens but I don't want to wait anymore.  I want them now!  Things are so much different now then they were last year.  At this time last year I was still pretty clueless about what was important to me.  I was still at that "I just want to be happy" stage.  If you've been there, you know what I mean.  I didn't have a clue.  All the adversity has really put me in my rightful place...in a good way.  : )

I'm so glad I got fired.  I'm so glad I was poor and had to get crafty about surviving.  I'm so grateful for all those beautiful moments of grace that have restored my confidence in how my world works.  I see that I never lost my luck at all.  Getting fired was one of the luckiest things that ever happened to me.  I nearly missed my calling in life, just sitting in a dead bank, going numb.  Thank you Universe for bringing me here...exactly where I want to be.

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