- I'm taking the day off for personal reasons and I feel guilty. As in genuine, "I really shouldn't be absent at such a critical time...my absence will leave holes in the success of my company." This is strange to me. It implies I care about my work. This has never happened before.
- I no longer feel trapped. But this bothers me. I feel I've been distracted from the things I want out of life because I'm focused on working. But I don't feel trapped by working. This is quite contrary and confusing.
- I think I've had my first girl crush on someone who's incredibly funny who also happens to be pretty. This has never happened before either.
- I'm not allowed to sell my soap at the Mount Vernon Farmers Market. How stupid is that? There are other markets...they're just farther away. But I felt like I was entitled to have everything finally start going my way. So what gives?
- I'm feeling wildly, ravenously hungry for something. But I don't know what that something is. And it's not food.
- I am grateful and smug at the same time. These two things are not harmonious together.
So about the eagle...
A primer for anyone who doesn't know about my shamanistic tendencies. Native Americans, as well as other primitive cultures who were more connected to the natural cycles of the earth, knew that different animals embodied different wisdom. They used the stories and myths of these animals, as well as the concepts of these animals to develop themselves spiritually. They were children of the Earth and when God spoke to them, he did so through his creations. This makes sense that a loving God would communicate with you in a way you would recognize. And primitive cultures knew God only through his creations. The invention of religion hadn't complicated their connection.
I learned about all this half a decade ago as I fought my inner demons and struggled to become more myself. I was having a hard time with God. Or should I say, with all the ideas I had about God as a result of my upbringing. And when I learned of Native American shamans connecting with spirit (or God) through animals...put very simply here for time's sake...it made sense to me. I was on a sinking ship...drowning in agony...waiting for some manifestation of God to reach out and acknowledge my miserable existence. But I didn't know what that would feel like, or how that would happen. Booming voices? Too scary. The voice of God in my head? Even scarier. Religion is and always was wasted on me. I don't have time for its pretenses and airs or its ridiculous ability to control people. So I was spiritually lost in a sea of drifting dead-ends. And then I learned of the concept of spirit animals.
Through that filter, I began to look at the terrifying giant wood spiders that invaded my house as a message saying "Although you are in a time of darkness now, use your talents to weave beautiful creations into existence, in the dark, so when the light finally arrives, the sun will rise and sparkle on the beauty you've created." And the skunks...there were so many skunks. One particular skunk even sprayed me. The skunks said "Demand respect! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!". And there was this one hummingbird that still makes me smile when I think of her.
So through this weird, crazy method, I got over my anger that the Universe or God or Spirit wasn't grabbing my hand and pulling me out of that sea of dead-ends. He'd been talking to me the whole time...I just hadn't known how to listen. So although the communication channels are wide open these days, I occasionally encounter an animal in a kind of in-my-face way that lets me know...'Hey Laura, you're being kind of dense lately. I've tried to talk to you about this one thing but you haven't been paying attention, so here...let's go back to the animals again. That always works."
So I was driving to work last Saturday and a Bald Eagle appeared, larger than life, looming over the treeline. As I continued driving and gaping in amazement...it flew straight towards me and passed over the car. A wonder in the most ordinary of circumstances. The Bald Eagle is an auspicious totem...a very serious one as well. Eagle medicine demands a lot, should you choose to accept it. For one, it demands creativity. Well that sounds easy enough. But then it also demands a healing role in the world. As in, a healing role similar to the way predators heal the ecosystem by picking off the weak and sick. (?? What do I do with that??) And then lastly, it demands a willingness to experience extremes in order to bring about great healing and change...alchemy. Add this extreme plus that extreme, mix with a spoon and get something completely different.
So you may be thinking..."But you only saw the eagle that once. That doesn't mean it's actually your totem animal." I've seen it twice now. The first time I saw it, I thought to myself "No...I must have imagined that. I'm sure it wasn't a Bald Eagle. They're way too rare for that." So I went home and looked up Eagle medicine in my handy book of animal totems and naively, thought "Wow...I would really like to use Eagle wisdom. It sounds really cool!" (Like all other difficult things I naively get myself into.) So I shrugged and sent a request out to the universe. "Hey Universe...if that was really a Bald Eagle like I think it was, do me a favor. Would you? I'm not actually sure that's what it really was and I don't want to start using this Eagle Medicine if it's not actually time for that. So if it really was an Eagle, let me see it again. Then I'll know for sure."
So that's that. And now everything is weird and I don't why.
I know what you're thinking. (She is completely loony.) Last night, as we were laying in bed, I started a conversation with Brendan about sacred sexuality and how I think it has some pretty serious creative potential, the likes of which the world has never seen. You know...aside from the screaming baby that can result. Which is part of it though. I went on and on about energy and harnessing it and directing it towards creation of not just another life, but of everything about that life and lives of the family...joy, success, intelligence, wisdom, hell...even as specific as winning the lottery if you want if that's a part of your detailed plan. Oh, I could go on and on about this and it might make more sense to you and then again, it might not. But last night, I suddenly became self-conscious and said "Sometimes I think I'm either really intelligent or really crazy. You think I'm totally loony, don't you?" He said "No, you're equally both." Smart man. : )